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5'10"

SW: 218
CW: 179
GW:152
UGW: 125

Hello.
When I was 12, my mother made me go to Weight Watchers with my sister. I was 185 pounds and 5’ 7” and I lost 40 pounds and pretty much stopped eating anything besides green grapes and sparkling water. I thrived on the compliments and the attention and the not being depressed. Then I got to high school and gained it all back…right back to 185 over about two years. I was obsessed with food, unable to stop myself from eating anything. My mother was also my lunchlady and our power-struggle over my lunch choice everyday did nothing but make me want to defy her and eat more. When I became horribly depressed junior year and dropped to 160, we made peace with each other, if only because she knew I’d be leaving soon. But the comments never stopped at home. I started to hide food in my room. She’d find it and tell everyone about it. Especially once she finally stopped being obese and dropped 60 pounds and had her breasts redone, the comments got worse. We weighed the same but she was over 6 feet tall! I’d been crawling straight back up since then until about a year and a half ago. Age 20, 218 pounds. I was at the end of a three year long-distance relationship. I tried eating healthy and exercising…and about a month into it I got Mono. Lost 45 pounds. Gained some back. 7 months later, Mono came back. Lost 15 pounds. Got a very physical job. Lost 6 more pounds. Got a new boyfriend who used to be a model and never eats unhealthy. Secretly began to emulate him…now I am down almost 50 pounds do to little or no effort on my part.

But I am not happy. I will not be happy. My breasts are huge (size DD) and I am huge. I want to go back to the 140 I once was. I want to look like I am supposed to. I want to have control over my cravings. I want to say this is a healthy blog but my mind is far from healthy.